Giving Children Freedom

While at the eye doctor for my daughter, we were in with the doctor's assistant first. She asked S if she was wearing her glasses. S had asked me in advance if I could talk at the appt, because she was too nervous. I said no, she was not wearing them because she said they hurt her face. S played on the iPad while we waited on the doctor.

The nurse turned to her and said "If you don't wear your glasses, Mommy is going to take away the iPad and you won't be able to use it anymore". S began turning red and looked at me, confused. She has never been punished or had stuff taken away. I said to the nurse and my daughter "No! That is absolutely not true. The iPad is for her to use and I will not take it away. Please don't threaten my daughter and please don't tell her I will do things I've never ever said I'm doing". She was taken aback and said "most parents use things their kids like to get t hem to do things, especially kids with autism"

This kind of stuff happens all the time. Thankfully the doctor himself is wonderfully kind. I explained what happened with the threat and he wasn't happy about it. He talked to S at length and she will be getting new glasses that fit better with a time period to return them if she doesn't like them. We are trying to avoid a pending eye surgery she likely may need.
A month ago at the dentist with S, she got her teeth cleaned for the first time. She is 8 and wanted to have a cleaning. She was curious. I spoke to the dentist and she let my daughter steer the flow of the appt. Some things were skipped because of the noise or smell. S's twin brother A was with us. The hygienist asked "has he had his teeth cleaned here?" I said no (he doesn't want to have his teeth cleaned).
She said she has some extra time if he wants to try.
I ask A if he wants to have his teeth cleaned. He refuses the cleaning, but offers that she can look at his teeth in his little chair across the room. He doesn't want to sit in the big chair. The dentist tries to look at his teeth but he is wrapped up in a game he's playing. The hygienist says "put the iPad down or mommy will have to take it". My son begins to sob and says "no, mommy won't. I want to go home!" I told the hygienist that's not what we do and don't threaten children ever.

AGAIN- someone is trying to "discipline" my children
AGAIN- someone is trying to take one of my children beloved possessions as retribution for my children not doing something they want.

**My children have full body autonomy. This means

- if they want to skip a bath they can
- if they want to take a bath by swimming or getting sprayed with a hose, they can. We've used little wading pools in our kitchen
- my son can have very long hair because it's HIS hair and his choice. People can and have commented dozens of times. Those people don't matter. Kids choose about their own hair. Full stop.
- if they don't want to brush their teeth every day, they don't have to. A and S usually choose to but sometimes not. It took a long time for them to want that and we never pressed.
- if they want to shave their head, they can
- if they want to grow their hair long, they can
- if they don't want to hug someone or say hi, they don't have to
- they decide who touches them and what happens to their body (only exception being medical things that are necessities. My children have some medical diagnoses that require maintenance. Sometimes they need bloodwork, tests or hospitalization. We do the minimum and keep it as respectful as possible)
- these are only a few of many freedoms my 3 children have. All children can have these freedoms!

It is really confronting to see families living in a way that is so different to the way you do. The way we live now is nothing like how I grew up. It's like the absolute opposite of how I grew up. Our family is punishment free, unlimited screen time, food freedom, radical unschooling, we respect body autonomy, children are treated with the same respect as adults. They are people now, and have rights. It doesn't mean things are perfect. We resolve our problems democratically. 

My children know their things are theirs and won't ever be taken from them as payback for doing something we don't like. As much as people like to talk about "real world" and "natural consequences", most of what they are doing is arbitrary, disrespectful and not natural at all. A natural consequence is my child adamantly not wanting to bring a coat somewhere and then being chilly. (Usually I bring extras)

There are many who say this type of living "doesn't work" for autistic children. I am here to say that is patently untrue. Our family is autistic. I have three autistic children who thrive in this setting. They don't do a single therapy. They don't have social stories for everything. They don't have a strict schedule. Our days have a natural flow to them that we didn't force, but happened on its own. Autistic children deserve a childhood with little to no therapy.

My children do not need to be threatened into compliance. Problems can be solved with discussion and mutual respect. No fear or retaliation is needed.