Saturday, September 9, 2017

Unschooling and radical autism acceptance


Something that pushed me out of several unschool / peaceful parent communities over the last 4 years was the anti label mentality and the ableism.

By this I mean people who view autism as brain damage, vaccine injury or something to be cured via diet, supplements and removing certain foods. Of course the use of labels in these same unschool groups was everywhere. They had no issue with labels like highly sensitive, spirited, gifted, empath, and indigo or crystal child. These labels are used liberally.

Yet when autism, ADHD come up its frequently met with an anti label comment. "I don't want to put a label on my child". "ADHD is only for kids in school" Yet they had used labels many times in describing them. So the anti label mentality isn't about not wanting to label, it's about the stigma they have with disability. If you are ok with calling your child "highly sensitive" and "sensory sensitive", but bristle at the label "autistic", that's ableism.

Countless times I've seen parents post about their child and describe in detail what brings to my mind as autism. Then myself or others commented to this effect. Recommend an OT eval. Not for me to diagnose, but to raise the possibility and provide reading resources. I've been treated horribly for this suggestion and told that their child doesn't need a label. Despite the fact that they had already labeled their child (spirited, inquisitive, highly sensitive, empath etc), they don't want to think they may have an autistic child. If it was about labels, they wouldn't have used the terms they did.

There is nothing wrong with being disabled. There is nothing wrong with being autistic. I am autistic as are my 3 children and we are proud of our neurology. My Autistic label helped me understand me. I was dx in my teens with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, OCD and ADHD. I spent decades wondering why I seemed to experience everything differently than those around me.

Lights were brighter, sounds louder, touch painful and neurotypical social expectations impossible to remotely understand. The word felt too much and I didn't fit anywhere. Fitting in now doesn't matter but as a child it crushed me to feel like I was broken and afraid to tell people how things felt to me. Instead I was labeled as a brat, overly sensitive, picky, difficult, weird. I tried. I mimicked what I saw other kids doing to try to just be invisible.

Over the course of 3 years, all four of us were identified as autistic. I felt so much relief to really understand myself. I had thought I may be autistic for some time. A psych in my 20's told me I fit all the criteria yet had "too much empathy" so they couldn't dx me. In my 30's I felt sure of it as I read about autism when my son was a baby and we knew he was autistic. I found community with other autistic adults over the last 5 years and read the words of other autistic adults. My children know and hear the terms autistic, neurodiversity, ADHD and so on.

We have to eliminate the stigma around autism. We have to stop medicalizing it and viewing it as a disorder or something to be fixed. Autism isn't a disease and we don't want to be cured. It's a neurotype and nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of.

Peaceful parenting communities are founded in acceptance, consensual living, body autonomy and respect. Yet I notice that the anti label thing persists in those too. That parents peacefully parent their neurotypical children but send their autistic child to disrespectful therapies. That they give food freedom and unlimited screen time to their non autistic children but say their autistic children cannot self regulate.

Of course there are exceptions. I have met some amazing friends who are autistic or otherwise neurodivergent peacefully parenting their neurodivergent children. I have met non autistic parents who reject the medical model of autism and embrace the neurodiversity paradigm.

Yet a place in the unschool community eludes of frequently. We won't hang out with people who equate neurodivergence with brain damage and believe organic or raw vegan diets can "cure" that. Neurology cannot be cured. It shouldn't be.

I love my labels- parent, autistic, non binary, introvert, sensory processing disorder, chronically ill, Star Wars fanatic and many more.
We are a radical unschooljng family. We have always been punishment free and my children have unlimited screen time and food freedom. Autistic children can be parented this way. Neurodivergent children can and should be parented with the same respect and acceptance. Many of us are living this life and it's imperative that people understand autistic children don't need to have boundaries their siblings don't have.


People label things and other people all day. If you are ok with most descriptors, but then hate labels when the topic is autism or ADHD, that is internalized ableism. It's likely not that you are anti label, it's the stigma of disability. The use of other labels shows that you aren't against them as a whole.

The stigma surrounding disability needs to be removed. I've had my own internalized ableism to work through as a person with psych disabilities who was shamed for being myself. I spent so much of my life feeling bad or wrong, that it took time to embrace who I really am. The freedom that came with that has been amazing.

Once people see being disabled isn't a bad thing, they can accept their children and knowing their neurodivergence will help them support them in the way they need. Pretending a child isn't autistic or neurodivergent just because you dislike labels isn't helping them.

Autistic children don't need ABA, disrespectful therapies or to spend their childhood in therapy rooms instead of being kids. They need acceptance. Total, radical, unconditional acceptance. To have sensory needs met. To find Autistic community that's here and out there that accepts them fully.
We reject the notion that there is anything wrong with disabilities. That there is shame around the term Autistic. Autistic children deserve the same peaceful parenting approach. Right as they are and not for who you wish or hope they will be.

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