Giving Children Freedom

While at the eye doctor for my daughter, we were in with the doctor's assistant first. She asked S if she was wearing her glasses. S had asked me in advance if I could talk at the appt, because she was too nervous. I said no, she was not wearing them because she said they hurt her face. S played on the iPad while we waited on the doctor.

The nurse turned to her and said "If you don't wear your glasses, Mommy is going to take away the iPad and you won't be able to use it anymore". S began turning red and looked at me, confused. She has never been punished or had stuff taken away. I said to the nurse and my daughter "No! That is absolutely not true. The iPad is for her to use and I will not take it away. Please don't threaten my daughter and please don't tell her I will do things I've never ever said I'm doing". She was taken aback and said "most parents use things their kids like to get t hem to do things, especially kids with autism"

This kind of stuff happens all the time. Thankfully the doctor himself is wonderfully kind. I explained what happened with the threat and he wasn't happy about it. He talked to S at length and she will be getting new glasses that fit better with a time period to return them if she doesn't like them. We are trying to avoid a pending eye surgery she likely may need.
A month ago at the dentist with S, she got her teeth cleaned for the first time. She is 8 and wanted to have a cleaning. She was curious. I spoke to the dentist and she let my daughter steer the flow of the appt. Some things were skipped because of the noise or smell. S's twin brother A was with us. The hygienist asked "has he had his teeth cleaned here?" I said no (he doesn't want to have his teeth cleaned).
She said she has some extra time if he wants to try.
I ask A if he wants to have his teeth cleaned. He refuses the cleaning, but offers that she can look at his teeth in his little chair across the room. He doesn't want to sit in the big chair. The dentist tries to look at his teeth but he is wrapped up in a game he's playing. The hygienist says "put the iPad down or mommy will have to take it". My son begins to sob and says "no, mommy won't. I want to go home!" I told the hygienist that's not what we do and don't threaten children ever.

AGAIN- someone is trying to "discipline" my children
AGAIN- someone is trying to take one of my children beloved possessions as retribution for my children not doing something they want.

**My children have full body autonomy. This means

- if they want to skip a bath they can
- if they want to take a bath by swimming or getting sprayed with a hose, they can. We've used little wading pools in our kitchen
- my son can have very long hair because it's HIS hair and his choice. People can and have commented dozens of times. Those people don't matter. Kids choose about their own hair. Full stop.
- if they don't want to brush their teeth every day, they don't have to. A and S usually choose to but sometimes not. It took a long time for them to want that and we never pressed.
- if they want to shave their head, they can
- if they want to grow their hair long, they can
- if they don't want to hug someone or say hi, they don't have to
- they decide who touches them and what happens to their body (only exception being medical things that are necessities. My children have some medical diagnoses that require maintenance. Sometimes they need bloodwork, tests or hospitalization. We do the minimum and keep it as respectful as possible)
- these are only a few of many freedoms my 3 children have. All children can have these freedoms!

It is really confronting to see families living in a way that is so different to the way you do. The way we live now is nothing like how I grew up. It's like the absolute opposite of how I grew up. Our family is punishment free, unlimited screen time, food freedom, radical unschooling, we respect body autonomy, children are treated with the same respect as adults. They are people now, and have rights. It doesn't mean things are perfect. We resolve our problems democratically. 

My children know their things are theirs and won't ever be taken from them as payback for doing something we don't like. As much as people like to talk about "real world" and "natural consequences", most of what they are doing is arbitrary, disrespectful and not natural at all. A natural consequence is my child adamantly not wanting to bring a coat somewhere and then being chilly. (Usually I bring extras)

There are many who say this type of living "doesn't work" for autistic children. I am here to say that is patently untrue. Our family is autistic. I have three autistic children who thrive in this setting. They don't do a single therapy. They don't have social stories for everything. They don't have a strict schedule. Our days have a natural flow to them that we didn't force, but happened on its own. Autistic children deserve a childhood with little to no therapy.

My children do not need to be threatened into compliance. Problems can be solved with discussion and mutual respect. No fear or retaliation is needed.

De-schooling: screen time

So many people do not believe that "unlimited screen time" will work for their family. I received many messages following my last post to that effect. It works in my home and it can work in yours. I believe that the people who say that their kids would never set down the iPad or never stop watching tv don't understand the process.
It is crucial to not have anxiety surrounding screen time. To not have value judgments or click bait articles about "digital heroin" or other nonsense in the forefront of your mind. You must let go of it for your children to be able to learn to self regulate. If they can sense you are anxious about the time they spend playing minecraft, they will feel this anxiety. Most likely if you do have some negative feelings about screen time, your children are picking up on this.
Children who have had limits on television, computers, gaming, iPads or any other kind of media are used to it being monitored and controlled. If you change to unlimited screen time, there will be a period of time where your children may be on their iPad/tv/Xbox etc 24/7. They need a period of "deschooling". This means a time where they are allowed to transition from having their screen time controlled to making their own choices around it.
During the de-schooling phase, children should have unlimited access to their tablet, computer etc. In our house it's tablets, some families are gamers.
This means full access to the tablet (s) and charging them so they can have continued use of them. This means not commenting about how long they have been on their PlayStation or how nice it is outside. *Trust the process*
Over time, your children will see that there is no longer a timer dictating when and how they can use screens. That no one will be turning off the tv after 30 minutes or taking away their tablet after an hour. That they now get to decide if and when they use screens. If you are telling your children that it's bad for them or that they should be reading / playing outside instead, you aren't letting them deschool or learn to self regulate.
It is hard to let go and trust if you were raised with control or to believe that you could not be trusted.
Children can sense the anxiety surrounding this and will not be able to self regulate. They will worry that you may change your mind and go back to controlling their usage. Reassure your children that they decide if, when and how to use screens. (Obviously families decide what is appropriate in terms of show / game ratings etc)
Over time your children will know that they can set the iPad down and it will be in the same place when they come back to it. Self regulation takes time. Especially if they are used to having it monitored by someone else and not making their own choices.
We have never had limits on screen time in my house. We didn't have an iPad until my older children were 4 because that's when it was gifted to them. Prior to that we did have tv on and watch some movies. My children spend many hours on the tablet some days and different amounts others.
When my kids seem restless or in need of movement, we talk about ways to meet those needs. Do they want to do something else? Should we go to the splash pads or pool? Sometimes a trampoline park. Others a walk around the neighborhood with the dog to check out construction vehicles.
We have a mini trampoline inside and a swing they use to fly across the room on. They frequently jump on the trampoline while they watch tv. They use the iPad then come back to parkouring on the furniture. They know no one will take the iPad away. It was a gift to them and it's not for me to decide that outside = better, therefore I have to exert control over them.
Empowered kids are amazing to see. My children are kind, wise and have a strong sense of justice. I'm blown away by the conversations we have. How they think critically about everything. I watch movies or shows with them. We talk about the characters. They ask me questions. They comment how a character wasn't being kind or used a word that isn't nice (ableist language isn't used in our home ) They trust me and know I have their best interests at heart. They are my best friends and I admire them a lot. I believe parents can be friends and should be friends with their kids.
For those who say this doesn't work for children who are autistic, have ADHD or are otherwise neurodivergent, I'm here to say it does. My children and I are all autistic. We are multiply neurodivergent. I see the fruits of trust every day in my home. There is so much freedom in trusting children. They hold my hands in parking lots, they check with me before watching something if they aren't sure if it's appropriate and they understand house & community safety rules. They don't need to be controlled. The reasons they follow those rules are because I explained. It makes sense. It's not "because I said so".
To add: YES! it can take a long time. So many parents tell me it didn't work but they gave it only a few weeks. Or were guilting their kids. I also believe in valuing my children's interests. So if they have unlimited screen time and still want to spend a lot of time gaming or on a tablet, that's ok too. The goal is for them to choose and not be controlled. It's not for them to make the choice the parent wants. (Ie if they want them to use the tablet less or be in nature more). It's about choice and trust.
It works. It works for autistic children. It works for neurotypical children. It just means letting go and trusting the process and more importantly your children. Let them know you trust them. Give it lots of time if needed. Deschool. Let go of control. Then watch what unfolds